one thing I quickly realized about dance is that it is not symmetrical. I am so used to running, familiar with weight-lifting and swimming in the past, even skating has a rhythm to it that leaves both sides of my body equally sore. but every heels class has had me reminiscing about the choreo the next day, wondering which move was responsible for my now tender misalignment.
Something is going on where I have lost touch with the far lengths to which my body can stretch and reach.
It feels most comfortable to cross my arms, slouch, move slowly and small-ly, I think I have learned that this is safest. I am not sure if dating a short man is to blame, or if it’s having been socialized as a woman to downplay my existence, or if it’s fear of what happens when I become big and loud. Is that my own fear? Am I afraid of myself at my loudest?–I actually don’t think so. I love being tall. I am naturally expansive and quick. Fuck an insecure short king, but that’s another poem. Back to dance.
After my first heels dance class I wrote down my intentions for continuing as follows:
Notes app. January 6, 2025. my goals for heels class are: to practice being big and to know the lengths of my body and to feel in my body and to sweat and to think less and to learn and to be big and tall and take up space and twirl and extend and stretch and feeeeeel
It’s now the end of March and I’m 8 classes deep. Part of me wishes I’d come to write and reflect sooner, but it’s all okay. It’s getting easier to learn the choreo. My body still feels very stiff, especially learning new moves. I’m learning to trust myself. The experience feels similar to the risk involved in rock climbing… the moments of exertion are also moments of chance, they can be calculated, but only so much before the calculations become a hindrance to the flow. My internal calculations battle with the flow.
I’m learning how to show up as myself at class, also contending with the urge to conform to the dress and the attitude and the feminine in the room. Though, the feelings of uncertainty that come with showing up as myself are smaller than the dysphoric and deceitful feelings that would arise if I tried to be like everyone else. I think everyone probably brings their own baggage to class and the thing is to leave it at the door. I’m only thinking about me, relative to the others. Plus there is no way that anyone would have the time to be judgemental AND look sexy dancing.
April 26th additional note: I’d say I’m “working on it” but truthfully I am just showing up every week and seeing how I feel every week. I’m not taking dance classes to self-improve, I am taking them to self-actualize. It’s been feeling good and hard and more good than hard and I am making friends there, I am so delighted. Ok, bye for now!:)